Some nights you just have to waste time.
When I heard Randy Moss would again be turning on his web cam and responding to questions from a live chat, I couldn’t resist.
He’s been broadcasting live like this since early this week, when he announced his unretirement on the account.
I’ve already told you about my unfortunate attachment to Moss. Mine was a classic case of “little kid mesmerized by super athletic talents of man who happens to be super bad role model.” The basic origin and results of my case are as follows. Little kid loves exciting sports plays. Long touchdown catch the most exciting play in football. Randy Moss greatest long touchdown catcher alive. Little kid begs mom for Randy Moss jersey. Little kid shows up to class picture day wearing Randy Moss jersey. Teachers disturbed, give mom dirty looks.
His jersey doesn’t fit me anymore. He’s 35. He spent his last season getting shipped form team sick of his cancerous attitude to team enticed by his command of double teams. His confidence has always been more than slightly higher than his talent, but the gap is clearly getting larger.
Last night on the live broadcast, tons of people typed him messages, and he just sat there and answered as many as he could in his West Virginian drawl, all while people asked for shout outs. It was a mindboggling display of conceit, of what can happen to people when they become larger than life and know it. Still, I’ve been his fan too long to disown him now. I’m going down with the ship. Here are some of the lines:
• Kleiiiiiiiiiiinsasser. Kleinsasser came in with Culpepper the year after me. And Jimmy Kliensasser, my goodness, anybody see Jimmy Kleinsasser you tell him Moss said, ‘Waddup.’
• Rodgers or Favre? Woo. Woohoohoo. That is a tough one. I’mma gonna go with Favre because I always loved Favre. I loved Favre before I even got into the NFL. But just to see the original gunslinger it’s like Green Bay had a gunslinger already when they brought him in from Atlanta and then they replaced him with another gunslinger. I like Aaron Rodgers. I really do. I don’t know where he ranks as far as quarterbacks but Aaron Rodgers is a hellova quarterback. Can I get a get a boom? Who was that, Chazzy Fresh? I’ll boom ya.
• The best hamburger I’ve had? I like Five Guys. I gotta ride with Five Guys.
• Who’s my team in Madden? Man I haven’t played Madden in like two years, man. Definitely when I retire, man. If I’m on the team, I like playin Madden. Other than that I won’t play.
• My favorite TV show? I like “The First 48. My old lady, she watches all that reality stuff with the housewives of Atlanta, Miami, Shaunie, all them. I watch a little bit of reality show with her. [Where’s Jim Jones?] I do like that Jim Jones. Hey, shout out to Jim Jones. I like your reality show, dog. Keep that thang there gangsta. I like Jim Jones’ reality show.
• Who is that? Chazzy Fresh? Hey, I done gave you a shoutout already, Chazzy.
• You ever fish with Dennis Green? Noooooo. I think Denny did like fishin, but no, I never have.
• How do I feel about long beards? Aw, this thing here gonna get long once I get in this lab, I’m gonna be in this lab for a few months, I really am. What does the mad scientist do when he go in that laboratory? You already know he’s cookin somethin. You know the mad scientist come out there wit that grin, wit that…yeah, I’m gonna go cook somethin up.
So, NFL teams, interested?